Don't Worry, Be Happy

I've always been the type of person who does not get offended easily or what some people consider, sensitive.  I learned to just ignore what people say about me and hold my head up high.  But, a person can only handle so much.

Growing up, I was a chubby kid (still am).

I always here people saying and calling me fat.  Even my own family says it but again, we tease each other in the family a lot.  So as I got older, I’ve learned to ignore people when they tease me.  I guess growing up with my family, it helps you build a tough shell.  It teaches you how to ignore those who will put you down and don’t take their insults to heart.  Because isn't that what bullies want, to see your reaction?  

As I got older I had no problems with bullies.  I try to make sure I was getting along with everyone who was around me.  I live by the motto of "treat others the way you want to be treated".  So my whole life, I try to show kindness and understanding to every person that I meet.  I was told that people are just mean and frustrated because they don't know what it feels like to be loved.  I lived my life happily and I was not afraid to be who I am.  I am that quirky, weird and loud girl that always laughed and smiled.

My doubts started in high school.  High school is also during the time I created a Facebook.  Oh boy.  That was an intense moment.  Well... Not really. 

I practically added everyone who's name I knew in school, even if I have not met them in person.  It was all good till I added a widget on my profile where anyone can leave a comment anonymously.  I thought since I was nice and kind to everyone in school that everyone will like me and leave nice comments.  It was the other way around.  People were leaving mean comments and calling me "fat" or "ugly", and one that stuck out the most was when someone said, "you're stupid for being proud of being a Filipino." 

Being called "fat" and "ugly" I can ignore that, but someone calling me stupid for something I can't control?  That's what started my insecurities.  I believed that I can't fit in and people won't like me because I'm Filipino.  I also started letting the negative comments get to me.  I don't how many times I've cried myself to sleep because of all the hurtful words that those anonymous people left on my page.  Throughout high school, my friends have guys showing interest in them except me.  This made me believe that I'm not pretty enough and that I will forever be one of the boys.  

Not only did it lower my self esteem, it also made me feel like I don't deserve to be here.  The emotions were getting to me that I lost myself and with the pressure to be liked by everyone, I forgot about that kid who loves herself and was always so joyful.  It made me question my relationships with my friends.  It also made me believe that I've disappointed my parents.  Junior year of high school was a scary time for me.  I was at my lowest and I got to the point that I thought it would have just been better if I didn't exist.  2010 was the year I cried the most and felt so alone, for someone who likes to make friends.

It took me awhile to realize my worth.  I'm still working on my self confidence but I'm slowly getting there.  As I got older, I started having that "whatever" attitude and learning how to be myself. 

If people don't like me then that's okay, because why would I let someone else's opinion change how I see myself and my worth?  I'm comfortable of who I am and what I look like.  Also, just because I'm comfortable and okay with myself it doesn't mean I can't improve.  Through the years since I graduated high school, I learned that it's okay to be by myself and not constantly be surrounded by people. I'm working and improving myself not because I want to fit in and be liked by everyone but because I'm doing it for myself and to be happy.